13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
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O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]