The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
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Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
One of the best
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?