jesus, what did this guy do
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Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.