IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
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I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable