People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
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Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
He died doing what he loved: being alive
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.