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My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.