Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
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ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.