Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
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For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.