“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
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I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake