I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
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“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you