A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
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Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years