me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
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Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
79.