Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
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My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
I identify as an antique shop.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.