Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
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If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.