have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
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I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
WHY would you be happy about this?
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
*watches the world burn*
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
I’m not proud
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Body by Oreos
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.