Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
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I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.