Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
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Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic