M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
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Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
O Wise One….
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!