Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
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what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/