My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
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I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
I would move hell over six inches for you
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
I have so many questions.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians