“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
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me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
What’s a Messi?
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
three things we don’t talk about
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid