Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
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Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
ugh not again
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”