Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
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I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0