Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
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No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
My sex drive has a dui
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Oh yeah that’s it
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house