a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
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8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.