I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
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There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
🐕🍷
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”