If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
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WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
I’ve named my couch American Idle.