I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
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[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
“HELP WITH CAT”
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.