WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
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The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.