Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
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A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds