bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
You Might Also Like
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*