I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
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How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
my retirement plan is braless
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.