my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
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Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what