me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
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I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.