The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
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Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*