There is no try. There is only give up.
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how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
damn he’s good
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit