Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
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I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.