9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
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I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Finished stitching this today 😇
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
at ease…shoulder.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
More like Kate Missington.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks