Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
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[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Isn’t
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
My work here is don’t.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*