[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
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It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.