Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
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Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
yeah 😭
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one