Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
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i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
went fishing caught a bass
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.