Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
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wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.