The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
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Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
I forgot how to panic. Help
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”