Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
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(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Life cycle of cat
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*