It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
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Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Life cycle of cat
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?