I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
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College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
…żyje?
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole