$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
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Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
I put the h in mysterious.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.