Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
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Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Erm I’m gonna say no
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
For anyone who needs this today
haha same
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.