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One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
starting a garage orchestra
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!